Sunday, September 26, 2010

Back in the saddle

I haven't done this in a while. I'm beginning to be afraid that every post will start that way. But Renee has a 30 day blog meme thingamajig that she's doing, and I'm hoping it will get me back into the habit of writing.

That, and my need to know, and to help others know, that they're not alone.

I feel alone a lot, despite living with an adoring husband and (as of recently!) two adorable kittens. Humans are strange creatures - I have proof (nearly scientific proof, even) that kittens/cats/felines make me physically ill, and yet I gave into the peer pressure from others to get a pair of cats. Sigh. They ARE adorable, though, so now we just have two "clean rooms" in our house where I can go to air out.

Anyway, lately I've had this recurring feeling of abandonment. My first love, and first "real" best friend, Nate, stopped talking to me last summer. We met the summer I was 13, he was 15 (1998, if you're keeping track) at nerd camp (oh I'm sorry, a Johns Hopkins program for gifted kids) at Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois. I fell hard, fast, and for quite a long time for that blonde boy from Ohio who was taking a computer science class - which seemed much less interesting and more interesting simultaneously than the biology I was studying, but anyway. We kept in touch, sporadically by telephone at first, then more regularly by e-mail/AIM when those were accessible. We saw each other through a lot of things. Were we still in contact, by next summer we'd have been friends for 50% of my life.

Then his girlfriend decided our relationship was "inappropriate" because we talked about sex, and men and women who weren't dating each other shouldn't talk about that. She only knew we were talking about that subject because she kept track of his instant message conversations and hacked into his e-mails, despite his creating new ones so she couldn't keep up. She also failed to notice the section of the conversation where I convinced him not to seek out a prostitute or other method of cheating on her.

Oh, we women and our selective eyes/ears!

I've felt another abandonment of sorts recently. A friend of mine, we met in the Air Force. Unbeknownst to us at the time (though photo-documented, and realized later) we were sworn in together at MEPS before shipping out to Lackland AFB. (Side note, blogger wanted to change Lackland to Lackluster. Also appropriate.) Anyway, we went to Monterey together, bonded over a shared history of Pennsylvania residency and the tedium of middle class upbringings. I was discharged and he was shipped to other bases, but we kept in touch through sporadic, double entendre-filled emails. Fast forward, he moves to Chico. Forward some more, his girlfriend joins him. A little later (a year? six months? I've lost track) and he (she? who knows) decides that we've "drifted apart," are "moving in different directions," or something.

I was broken up with by another male friend, and cannot help but suspect that the girlfriend was the source/cause.

I also cannot help but feel like it's my fault, or some flaw in me that makes me threatening. Perhaps I should limit my friends to women, or those in committed/establish relationships. I don't know.

At least both situations led to poems that I'm fond of. Perhaps I'll post them soon.


  1. Girls are terrible & you probably don't want to be friends with them. They do stuff like what you just mentioned. It's clingy & annoying. You don't need that.

    But in all seriousness, I know what that feels like. Someone I identified as my best friend for so long wants nothing to do with me anymore. Ironically enough, it's her issue with my boyfriend that caused the rift.

    After all these years & everything we've been through, she cares for me so little that her stupid opinions about what a relationship should be ruined ours.

    Bitches, man.

  2. I go through the same thing, and I asked myself the same questions for very long time. I finally have (kind of) settled on the notion that there's nothing wrong with me - and similarly there's probably nothing wrong with you. We're confident, intelligent, open people whether we're dealing with men or women. The confidence alone is intimidating to women who lack it themselves. They see in us what they lack in themselves and it scares them. Don't blame yourself and don't change who you are because there are people out there who can't handle it.

  3. Wow, no wonder you ae feeling alone. That's crap, but either way your friends made their decisions to drift apart. They could have said their friend was way more solid than their girl, but they didn't. It sucks, but it's always better knowing where you stand. Let their lives be controlled by other people, while you pick yourself up and make a new friend. You will feel better soon.